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Messages - Sydney Lamont
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1
« on: 05/09/2022 at 06:35 »
For being so unsettled, her own world one splinter away from falling apart, Sydney laughed.
It was a broken laugh, one she had to once again swipe across her eyes to clear the pooling moisture. She dropped her forehead against his collar, arms wrapping around his waist. Her fingers found each other, wedging, as her breath rose and fell in rhythm with his.
She desperately wanted to believe him, because he'd always stuck to that without altering his stance on how he viewed her. The way she wished she could if she didn't know better. If she didn't see who she could be whenever she saw her mother or sister. If she couldn't become whoever she wanted, look however she wanted.
The double-edged sword, the give and take of being both gifted and cursed with knowing that her face was as fluid as the tides.
It wasn't very long ago that she didn't even know she could. Even less that she had believed she had to for any other reason than pushing towards the boundaries of what she was capable of. When she'd spent basically an entire term masquerading as other people, learning how to adjust her voice to match theirs, seeing who she could fool into believing it and surprising herself at just how easy it'd been, her only motivation was the same that kept her racing her broom for the good of her Quidditch team. It was a game, one she was good at, and one that she could find pride in with each successful attempt.
When had her world view gotten so clouded? When had she started to notice how no one seemed to look at her the same way she viewed them? Or was it possible, she fleetingly hoped, that she was wrong?
Her grip tightened, pulling him closer and pressing herself fully against him.
"I don't think anyone else does," she answered honestly. Then, with another great sigh, she added, "But it makes me happy that you do." For the first time since she'd begun to doubt herself, knowing that felt like it was enough.
When she lifted her head once more, the face that was looking back at him was her own. Uneven brown hair, almond brown eyes, and a dumbfounded smile sandwiched between cherubic cheeks.
2
« on: 05/01/2022 at 02:01 »
Everything was wrong. She didn't know where to begin. In his arms, the soothing familiar feel of his fingers in her hair, Sydney started to find herself. Her own tedious hold on him had her wrenching her fingers on the sides of his shirt, keeping her from sinking. He might not have noticed that her hair had, in those breaths, had become straighter and finer. That her body seemed to change as well, molded to what she could only categorize as shapelier and more refined. Her sobs lessened as she found the strength to control her wheezing, her inhales and exhales, until she pulled back and met his gaze. The face that was looking back at him was not Sydney Lamont. There were similarities, somewhat. The cheeks were not as bubbly, the angles were sharper. Her eyes sparkled blue, raw as they were. She'd mastered the transformation by now, months into pretending to be someone else. "I lied," she admitted. Syd had lied when she said she didn't think of other people. That there wasn't anyone else she thought about when she'd kissed him. That she had to develop an entirely different personality, and entirely different person, just to allow herself to believe she could be the sort of girl that could be desired, wanted. What made it worse was enjoying it, relishing in it, believing that who she truly was didn't actually compare to the person she had become. Sydney could not admit it in the moment, as she barely managed the strength to look him in the eye. "I was wrong. I just," And then, because she couldn't think straight, she asked, "If I decided to be someone else. Stay as someone else forever, would you still be my friend? Because, I don't think I'm okay being just silly old me. I don't like the face I see in the mirror." She'd never said it out loud before. It'd gnawed its way to the surface after a term of realizing that it'd ultimately worked until she'd been caught in her lie. And now, she faced a crossroads.
3
« on: 03/25/2022 at 00:24 »
June 1964
Near the end of term
It'd been strange getting back to this point. Sydney had tried to ease into the space they'd once had without compromising their own sticking points. So, knowing each couldn't get what they wanted while still knowing they needed each other, it'd been a coordinated dance to keep them from situations that didn't allow for their elephant in the room. It meant public spaces, classes, Quidditch, game rooms, library. Places that didn't allow for silence to whisper, compelling them to bring up what nagged at either. It didn't work very well. Months had gone by before they found a rhythm and seemed to be fine with it; a new normal given the shift in the dynamic of a relationship spanning almost a decade. Even knowing that made it feel crazy, how present Spencer had been in her life. But today, she needed him. Because none of her roommates were around or would understand. She doubted anyone could, even Mr. Clint, but it wasn't lost on the perpetually clueless girl that when she ran towards the Ravenclaw Tower, her face soggy from tears, Spencer was the person she ran towards. Fate was on her side, he wasn't even in his common room. He was alone, likely back from... well, something. She wasn't quite sure. The Hufflepuff didn't press her luck, and instead latched onto him and cried on his shoulder.
4
« on: 01/30/2022 at 08:03 »
"I know, I'm sorry."
Try as she might, she could not find anything else to say. Every second was a struggle for breath, for space. If she could be anymore torn, the kaleidoscope of a person that the Scottish lass was might have split in half. More and more, with each word she could feel press against her cheek, she was more resolute in knowing she could not risk losing him.
He was serious. He loved her. He'd come to confront her in front of everyone to do so and she'd spent most days since replaying it in her head over and over. Each time it hurt her more. Spencer had offered her his heart and she'd responded by saying it was not enough, that he wasn't, and there was no worse feeling than that.
She couldn't look at him because she felt so small. Sydney liked to dream large and spread her brand of sunshine into the world. That perspective did not dismiss the darker side of the world, not for anyone, but she wouldn't look back at her time with Spencer and think that wherever this would leave them would not have made it her favorite memories. He was her foundation, the steady gravity that kept her from drifting off the deep end and so much more.
And even then, she couldn't be his girlfriend.
His tug had pulled her closer and, without second-guessing herself, she rested her head on his chest. The hand that had been clenching her forearm dropped to pull at the ends of his shirt. When she looked up at him then, teary blue eyes suddenly finding his, she chose to be selfish once more.
"I'm so, so sorry." The words came out broken as she leaned forward to kiss him.
Before she ran away.
5
« on: 01/21/2022 at 00:46 »
She gulped, frozen, held back by his hold on her and finding it impossible to face him after those words left her lips. Even then, when she had basically told him to leave her alone despite attempting to frame it in the best way possible, he wouldn't let her go. Not because he selfishly wanted to keep her there, not because his wants were more important than hers, but because Spencer wouldn't let her say such things about herself.
Even in these heart-wrenching moments, he proved to be far better than she deserved.
"Spencer," she started, gaze glued to the floor. She didn't know what to say. A small stream of tears began to flow freely as her ability to hold herself together had reached its tipping point. She shook her head, grinding her teeth until she found her voice once more.
"You're supposed to say that. You're my best friend." She felt like she'd made that point already. Whether aloud or internally, she couldn't decipher after so much time spent overthinking every action, every thought, every feeling.
"How can you really know if, if you've always felt like that?" Whether she was referring to loving her, in whatever context, she couldn't tell. She wiped her wet face clear with her forearm.
"That I'm worth it?"
6
« on: 01/09/2022 at 03:38 »
"Then maybe we shouldn't have!"
The words were ripped out of her in retaliation, the accusation Spencer lay at her feet finally twisting the bitterness she felt after days apart and bringing it to light. Sydney didn't want to be his girlfriend. If she had made him believe so, then it had been a selfish thing to do. This was likely selfish as well, pulling the rug of his hopes out from under him.
It didn't make sense why she felt so strongly, why she wouldn't give in. Ultimately, she believed that just because he'd thought they were didn't mean they should. That relationships wouldn't bring them closer than they already were and what they already had was not worth risking. She would stand her ground until it did make sense to her, she owed it to them both.
And, if anyone would accept her, for better or for worse, she had to believe it was him. If he didn't, then she had been wrong all along.
She held back the timidity that would normally keep her anchored as well as the impulse to cry again.
"I'm not worth this. I--" she took in a deep breath, closing her eyes before finding his once more, knowing she was risking it being the same way for a long time. "--I need some space to figure things out."
She turned to leave, barely holding it together.
7
« on: 01/07/2022 at 23:06 »
"No!" She practically shouted the word, her impulse pushing through her better judgment. Her hand landed atop his. It was not the perfect fit, like when they intertwined, but she gripped tightly to hold each other together.
"It's not like that," Syd pleaded with him as much as she did herself. Then, because she'd chosen to forever be honest with him, she added, "Not exactly."
For the past couple of years, when she began to truly notice boys, it was like joining the rest of the world for the first time. Sydney had realized that she existed in her own bubble; wrapping paper of naivety. She thought about them more than she'd profess, especially to Spencer who didn't star in her fantasies as often as his self-esteem could tolerate.
"There isn't anybody else. Anyone at all. I've only ever kissed one other boy before and I don't even think it counts and it only happened once and I didn't keep coming back." Like she did with him, which went unsaid. Yet, it wasn't that she hadn't ever wanted to. So deep was her delusion that whatever her alter-ego got into was separate that it escaped her mind the thoughts that festered under the guise of Sahara.
"I just, it's hard for me. I've never been anyone's girlfriend. I don't know how. It's scary, Spence."
8
« on: 01/07/2022 at 16:41 »
Like gravity, she felt herself pulled towards the sound of her name leaving his mouth.
The delicate steps came with a heavy heart, misery etched on her face like cave paintings. Sydney had been having a rough day, one she divulged all the anxious bits absent the details that caused them from her understanding roommates. While her powers might be on the fritz, it didn't mean she couldn't try to look nice. She'd spent enough sessions with Professor Buzzolic to be able to apply cherry-red lipstick, rosy eye shadow, blush, and she'd even gotten her hair braided with a pair of daisies pinned to the top of her head.
"Not great," she started, and then because she couldn't help herself.
"I miss you, Spencer. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." It all came rushing out of her like water capsizing a boat. She hadn't rehearsed it very well in her head, all the things she wanted to say, but she respectfully kept her distance and kept their eyes locked, sympathy pouring out of her.
Her fingers twitched, held back from reaching out despite her wanting to.
9
« on: 01/05/2022 at 16:23 »
And, just like that, her walls came tumbling down. Sydney's eyes went wide, their color starting to shift from hazel to brown to blue to grey and all the colors in between. She tried to speak but nothing came out but a gasp of air she choked on. It wasn't enough for Spencer. He wanted more, wanted something she could not honestly give. Fear gripped her with their talons and feasted. This is exactly what she didn't want and, again, she debated whether she should just give in and agree. He held on to trying to convince her nothing would change but their terminology. Except, the one clear thought in the sandstorm that roiled within her was that it wasn't honest, and he deserved the truth. Even if it hurt her more than anything had, and it showed as her eyes began to water, Syd knew full well that Spencer wouldn't be able to believe her this far along into her uncertainty. And where would it leave them in the future when she couldn't be what he wanted her to be? That was the story of her life, really. She would never be quite right, a puzzle missing too many pieces to make out the mystery. Sydney, absent words, began to cry instead. She broke down in front of him, stopping short of wailing. Then, knowing full well if she didn't move now that she'd remain catatonic and unable to, she ran.
The Next Day, Past Noon
Hufflepuff Fifth-Year Girls' Dormitory She hadn't gotten out of bed yet. Syd didn't know when she would either. Eventually, especially when it would alert Tilly that something was wrong. She was not a talented enough liar to be able to hide how devastated she felt from her roommate. Even if she figured her entire house knew about it already. Not because she was ever a topic of conversation. Sydney lived in rather unbothered anonymity for the most part. It was solely due to the nature of her tragedy, the ripe pickings of drama that others couldn't resist sinking their teeth into. She rolled in her tangled comforter and began to cry some more.
The First Day of Classes After Winter Break
East Bailey Hallway, The Busy One It was the first time she'd seen him since and her heart skipped a beat. Thankfully, he would not have been able to see her as she'd changed into someone else. Sydney had made a habit of sneaking around this way as it was the only way she could convince herself to try to return to some sense of normalcy. She could pretend everything was right in class, around her housemates, but it was far from the truth. Depending on her ability to keep her from showing face was all she could resort to, unable to come with grips with the Spencer-shaped chasm left in her daily life. Until now. "What's wrong with you?" The accusation lay at her feet as she made eye contact with the person walking past her moments after Spencer had disappeared behind her. She wasn't sure what was meant by that, worry contorting her face as she looked around and realized others were looking at her strangely. There was incredulity, horror, and shock she lacked the context of until her hurried steps to get out of gawking eyes had her pass a hung mirror. Her face was shifting, changing out of her control. Syd wasn't Cress, or Tilly, or any of her other housemates' appearance she stole before leaving their common room. It continued to change, like ripples in the lake under the wake of the rowed oars. She ran towards Mr. Clint's office, her stress reaching a boiling point. It wasn't until she calmed down that she could settle on her normal face and features-- absent the pink hair, the hazel eyes. She was just Syd again and it was a lonely place to be.
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« on: 01/04/2022 at 03:32 »
Her fingers grazed his as he pulled away. Sydney's jaw dropped, hanging ajar as Spencer turned to lead them out of the dining tables. She closed her mouth, swallowed hard and followed. The Hufflepuff wasn't the best under pressure. It's why she seldom asked to chase the snitch or volunteer for the Hospital Wing. Her brain simply didn't want to compute. The right thoughts she should be concentrating on was how to fix this situation, how to articulate her feelings, how to make it all make sense.
All she could think of was not holding his hand as they walked out into the Entrance Hall.
He stopped and so did she. Her hands were clasped together, fingers bouncing off her knuckles anxiously as she stared at her feet. Spencer spoke first. She lifted her gaze to gawk at him, her features growing incredulous at his perspective that felt so unlike hers. To Spence, they were practically dating already and could not understand why she couldn't commit. Without thinking it through, she began to ramble.
"That's not true! All we started doing was kissing!" There was a sudden anger roiling within her that she could not understand being there at all. This fight, because that's exactly what it was, felt so unlike them. They might argue over what superpower would be best to have, whether Quidditch was worth the risk of bludger beatdowns, innocuous things that would end in laughter and them agreeing to disagree before moving on.
This was serious and she meant every word she said.
"If that was true, then we've been a couple since we've first met! Since the clock tower, since my first year. I do love you, Spencer. I always have. You're my best friend! Isn't that enough?"
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« on: 01/03/2022 at 23:01 »
His pain was her pain.
The subtle twitch of his hand rippled through her like needles prodding her skin. She hated seeing it, burning her cheeks at having to reject the proposition for reasons she couldn't pinpoint more than a painful feeling in her gut at committing to the word, the label. Whenever she talked of them, she talked of forever. But, as she had noted, relationships ended. For all the joy she found in life, for all her own self-doubt she swallowed in believing she'd never be enough, here stood Spencer telling her she was.
She couldn't accept it.
"I lo--" she stopped herself and reached to grab the flowers. "These are lovely Spencer, but," she heard snickers around her, and the reddening of her cheeks spread to the rest of her face. Syd could already hear the whispers, the rumor mill spreading from mouth to mouth as this come-to-life nightmare was playing out in front of her.
She had a choice to make. Either she hurt Spencer or she hurt herself. For the first time in her life it seemed, at a tumultuous time she wouldn't be able to forget, Sydney chose herself.
"You don't love me, Spencer. You can't. Not like that, I--" the sigh that escaped her sucked all the fight out of her. "Can we please talk about this, um," she looked around for a moment, evading anyone's direct line of sight, "Not here, in front of everyone?" Syd was pleading, a hand extending to reach for his.
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« on: 01/03/2022 at 02:01 »
"Are you really going to keep it pink all term?" She asked, not at all questioning the irony of her asking anyone else that particular question. It seemed Roo had not simply done it to get her attention, or to provoke her. He genuinely liked it and had kept it going for weeks now.
She resisted the urge to give it a soft pull to know that it was real.
"Should I change mine or, wait, what is it?" Sydney turned her head to follow the sight of her friend's, if that's what they were, gaze as they widened in surprise. Spencer was fast approaching, looking like he'd just come from outside. He appeared very determined. She prided herself in knowing such things, as it was the exact face that had visited her dreams the evening prior as she made herself sick thinking about all that had transpired.
The flowers she noticed next and the realization of everything slammed into her before he opened his mouth. Now, Sydney had given this a lot of thought in the day that had passed. Spencer was the most important person in her life. And she did very much enjoy kissing him. And he did treat her better than anyone else ever had and far more than she deserved. She never took it for granted either and had done her part in telling him as much, gifting him as much, writing lovely notes to him to show her appreciation for him as a person-- though, in retrospect, she could understand why he could have taken that all to mean what he had thought it did.
Except, when he finally asked, when the crushing weight of his request bore down on her, Sydney looked around at the faces of her housemates and back at Spencer. She would have very much preferred to talk this out in private. In lieu of that, she slowly shook her head.
"I... I can't."
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« on: 01/03/2022 at 01:30 »
The growing worry on her face, mirroring his own abject shift that riddled her with fear, became apparent to her when he spoke, and her world shattered like painted glass. Sydney couldn't name the feelings swirling within her as she tried to piece herself back together. All she could hear were those words echoing back at her.
"I thought we were dating."
"I thought we were dating."
"I thought we were dating."
"I..." She remembered the conversation she had with her roommates, both of them on two separate occasions. Snogs didn't mean relationships. They didn't mean change. Who they were, Spencer and Sydney, didn't have to change just because they had added kissing into what they did, right?
She'd believed as much, but she could feel looking at him then that they had. Somewhere along the way, they had stopped being on the same page. But for how long? When they started kissing? Before? After? It was overwhelming, her face growing flush as if she'd just contracted a high fever.
And in the library of all places.
"I'm sorry," was all she could muster to say as she shied her face away and began grabbing her things.
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« on: 12/31/2021 at 06:47 »
"Oh!" This felt like a big step. Sydney had always been curious to how Spencer spent his time home. She had worried far more when it was with his muggle father who didn't like magic, far less now that he was secure with people that genuinely cared for him. Not that a father wouldn't; she'd know how it felt to have to live with a parent that thought they were doing what was right but going about it all wrong.
"That'd be lovely. I'd need to ask permission but it shouldn't be a problem. They know you!" Well, they knew of him. Her mother had inundated her with a variety of peppered requests for details and quickly grew bored with Syd's rambling story-telling. They were the wrong sort of details, apparently, which she could never seem to get right.
Eunice was less curious and she wouldn't have gotten much out of the Hufflepuff anyway. She'd find a way to ruin it if she could. The further you stayed away from her sister, the better off you'd be.
"Would it just be for the day? That might be easier. Obviously it's not like we're dating but they still might not like me going to a boy's home out of their supervision. I remember Eunice not being able to even bring boys over until she was an adult." She was laughing until she saw his face, which cut her mirth short.
"Wait. What's wrong?" Was it something she said?
15
« on: 12/09/2021 at 22:21 »
"What? Really?!" She was rather surprised despite sounding quite enthused with the idea. She didn't think Spencer do be some delinquaint who skipped class. Actually, he was usually the one who saved her notes when she skipped, a habit she was trying to shed but couldn't when she got tied up chasing butterflies in the garden or braiding Tilly's hair or other very important things. "Are you sure?" She asked because Professor Proud was a terror, because she didn't want to be the reason he might get in trouble, because she would never reject him the opportunity to spend time with her no matter what her concern might be. "Not that I don't want you to, obviously, I--" then he kissed her and shut her up. The meat pies were delicious, when they finally got to them. December
Days Before The Break "Were you planning on writing?" She whispered it to him, keeping her voice quiet because she'd already been sternly shushed by a neighboring table trying to study in the library for talking too loud. Not that she'd stop talking, because studying was a game of dwindling patience before she needed a distraction, but had decided to lower her voice out of respect and decency. "While on break? Not that you don't or wouldn't or, uhhh--" she sighed, disgruntled from failing to get her sentiment in line. "--I just, I'll just miss ya is all." She'd found herself rather dependant on Spence this term, far more than in years past. It wasn't just that he was her snogging partner, though she'd miss that too without it for two weeks. It was more that she constantly found her friends too busy. Tilly was never around lately. Cress was prioritizing potions like her future depended on them (as they should, but Syd couldn't be bothered). Roo was, well, Roo. That was far too complicated a topic to unravel for her, one that made her stomach twist like a pretzal. But, in all that tumultuous time, Spencer had picked up the slack as a friend and she was truly grateful for it. It was always easy, uncomplicated, perfect. Plus, he was a surprisingly great kisser. "Are you going to miss me?"
16
« on: 12/03/2021 at 02:19 »
The seconds pooled into minutes and then time lost all meaning. Under the shade of the thin tree, sunshine breaking through its swaying limbs like water through cracks forming on a dam, Sydney never knew she needed something more than what Spencer was offering her. She'd offered this before, told him he could kiss her because it was Spencer and why not? However, given the chance to later reflect, she would know that this felt a bit diffrent that she could ever intend. Sure, when she fantasized about her first snog session it wasn't Spencer who she pictured. But, reality had a funny way of surprising you. She didn't realize his lips were so soft, that he could get her heart pounding so loud. She would forever be a happy person, but Syd knew she was happiest with him. Late September
Tilly had told her that snogging didn't mean nothing. Sydney took the advice whole heartedly and stopped overthinking these outings that were becoming a constant part of her week. She didn't dwell on when exactly kissing Spencer had become a hunger, that she could only go so much time before pulling him aside and allowing him to leave her breathless. She turned believing that things hadn't really changed between them into her reality and anything else was just a fleeting thought quickly tossed aside. They were still best friends. He was still the person she turned to first, second, and last. So, when she dragged him away to an empty stairwell to snog, she did so happily and didn't think twice about her motivations or what it truly meant. Late October
They were holding hands down the halls of the East Bailey. It wasn't a rare sighting. Anyone who noticed the pair for the past five years would have seen such a thing before often enough not to be left with their gaze lingering, wondering what it meant for the pink-haired witch and the rosy-cheeked wizard. "I think I'm gonna get a meat pie before class," she stated, smiling up at the tall boy. This was her free period, after all, while he had Arithmancy to skitter off to. "Want me to save you anything from the kitchens for when you get free?"
17
« on: 12/03/2021 at 00:37 »
She didn't know who initiated it, whether it was him or her. In the long run, it didn't really matter. Syd would forever remember this part of it; her arms wrapped around his shoulders, her fingers clinging to his hair, her lips pressed against Spencer's for the first time. Her eyes were closed because that's how kisses were supposed to be. While it wasn't her first kiss, it was the first one that took her breath away. She pulled away, face flushed in a sheet of red. She swallowed air by the mouthful, then smiled and leaned in again. This time, she was sure it was her who wanted more.
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