Hogwarts School: A Harry Potter RPG
Accepted Applications => Accepted Applications => Elsewhere Accepted => Topic started by: Mary Emera on 11/09/2017 at 00:06
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Character Name: Mary Emera
Gender: Female
Age: 10 (august 26th 1941)
Bloodline: Muggleborn
Parents/Guardians (Are they currently played characters?): Dan Emera (NPC) Dorothy Emera (NPC)
Residence: London, England
Do you plan to have a connection to a particular existing place (for example: the daycare)?: no
Do you wish to be approved as a group with any other characters? If so who and for what IC reason?: no
Please list any other characters you already have at the site: Isabelle Lee, Rosey Clay
Biography: (100 words minimum.): Mary Emera was born as an only child she had a pretty normal life until she turned 6 she was gonna get into a great primary school but her grandfather Gregory Emera died and they had to pay for his funeral so they decided it would be best to home-school Mary.
Her best friends are Isabelle Lee and Rosey Clay they all do almost everything together despite Isabelle's shy nature and Rosey's wild side.
Mary being an only child was really lonely sometimes because she was a very social kid not afraid of strangers and bullies.
They always made her go to the store so she could get the necessary amount of exercise she didn't mind though she loved going out into town to get stuff.
Roleplay:
Reply as your character to the following:
Godric Park.
Overhead, the sky was a crisp blue, for once clear of the ever-pervasive spongy clouds and rain. The sun was a lemony-yellow presence, high in the Eastern sky, and in front of it zipped three broomsticks in a straight line, or something very like one. One... two..... three... the boys passed, their shouts of excitement echoing as they chased the snitch, a tiny shimmer reflecting the sunlight.
Far below was another, much smaller broomstick.
It trugged along the ground, hugging close to it like a sluggish choo choo train and occasionally shuttering in protest. This was because said stick was currently being occupied by a very small girl who was tugging upward on the front of it with all her might, trying to coax it into doing what it had been expressly designed NOT to do.
"John, I said wait up!" The tiny girl squealed, giving the broomstick another tug.
Begrudgingly, it drifted upward a foot, and then sank, depositing the troublesome girl safely on the ground. Janey Hurst was not pleased. In a huff, she hopped off the toy safety broom, grabbing it firmly and thrusting it handle first into the turf.
Her brother was such a beast. He NEVER let her play! She folded her arms, seething blue eyes fixing on another figure nearby. "You!" She barked, much more sharply than she meant to.
"...Do you want to play?"
Roleplay Response: Mary looked up at the girl from the bench she was sitting at and thought 'wow that was loud' and while she was thinking what to say she heard Janey say "Well?" Mary finally said "Okay I will play with you lets play tag!" so then they played tag for the rest of the day.
OTHER
How did you find us? Google
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Hi, Mary!
Your application's coming along nicely, there's just a couple of things we'll need you to edit before we can get you accepted.
Firstly, your RP sample is a little short. The general rule we follow here is the 3x3 rule (at least 3 paragraphs of at least 3 sentences each). This is to give the other player you're threading with (in this case Janey) a little more to work with when responding. If you could add to your RP sample to make it at least nine sentences long, that would be great.
Secondly, you're powerplaying Janey right at the end of your RP sample. By choosing what Janey responded to Mary and by saying that they played together the whole day, you're assuming Janey's actions here. If this was a real thread, that wouldn't be very fair to Janey's player. If you could remove the parts in your sample where you're choosing/assuming Janey's actions, this would resolve any issues of powerplaying.
If you'd like to see some examples of successful roleplay samples, you could take a look at our sample applications (http://hogwarts-school.net/sortinghat/index.php?board=22.0).
Once you've made the required changes (increasing your RP sample length and removing any instances of powerplaying), please repost your entire revised application below, and we'll be more than happy to take another look. If you'd like any more help with or have any questions about your application, please feel free to PM myself or another administrator. Thanks!
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Character Name: Mary Emera
Gender: Female
Age: 10 (august 26th 1941)
Bloodline: Muggleborn
Parents/Guardians (Are they currently played characters?): Dan Emera (NPC) Dorothy Emera (NPC)
Residence: London, England
Do you plan to have a connection to a particular existing place (for example: the daycare)?: no
Do you wish to be approved as a group with any other characters? If so who and for what IC reason?: no
Please list any other characters you already have at the site: Isabelle Lee, Rosey Clay
Biography: (100 words minimum.): Mary Emera was born as an only child she had a pretty normal life until she turned 6 she was gonna get into a great primary school but her grandfather Gregory Emera died and they had to pay for his funeral so they decided it would be best to home-school Mary.
Her best friends are Isabelle Lee and Rosey Clay they all do almost everything together despite Isabelle's shy nature and Rosey's wild side.
Mary being an only child was really lonely sometimes because she was a very social kid not afraid of strangers and bullies.
They always made her go to the store so she could get the necessary amount of exercise she didn't mind though she loved going out into town to get stuff.
Roleplay:
Reply as your character to the following:
Godric Park.
Overhead, the sky was a crisp blue, for once clear of the ever-pervasive spongy clouds and rain. The sun was a lemony-yellow presence, high in the Eastern sky, and in front of it zipped three broomsticks in a straight line, or something very like one. One... two..... three... the boys passed, their shouts of excitement echoing as they chased the snitch, a tiny shimmer reflecting the sunlight.
Far below was another, much smaller broomstick.
It trugged along the ground, hugging close to it like a sluggish choo choo train and occasionally shuttering in protest. This was because said stick was currently being occupied by a very small girl who was tugging upward on the front of it with all her might, trying to coax it into doing what it had been expressly designed NOT to do.
"John, I said wait up!" The tiny girl squealed, giving the broomstick another tug.
Begrudgingly, it drifted upward a foot, and then sank, depositing the troublesome girl safely on the ground. Janey Hurst was not pleased. In a huff, she hopped off the toy safety broom, grabbing it firmly and thrusting it handle first into the turf.
Her brother was such a beast. He NEVER let her play! She folded her arms, seething blue eyes fixing on another figure nearby. "You!" She barked, much more sharply than she meant to.
"...Do you want to play?"
Roleplay Response: Mary looked up at the girl from the bench she was sitting at and thought 'wow that was loud' Mary was thinking about dinner when she heard Janey.
She thought for a moment 'Should I play with her?' Mary then said "all right what do you want to play do you want to play tag?" She hoped Janey would say "yes".
OTHER
How did you find us? Google
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Thanks for making those changes, all the powerplaying issues have been resolved now!
Your RP sample still falls a little short, however, so would you mind adding a little more detail to give Janey more to respond to? Just three or four more sentences expanding on what you've already written would be great. This may also help you get to know your own character's thoughts/reactions better too.
If you're stuck on what to write, you could think about the following:
1. You mentioned Mary was thinking about dinner. Who'll be making it? What does she hope the food will be/what's her favourite? What time does she have to be home by?
2. Mary also suggests playing tag. Is that one of her favourite games? Who does she usually play tag with, and is she any good at it? As an only child, does she get to play tag often? Or maybe she doesn't, and that's why she's asking Janey to play now?
Once you've made the required change, please repost your entire revised application below, and we'll be more than happy to take another look. Thanks!
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Character Name: Mary Emera
Gender: Female
Age: 10 (august 26th 1941)
Bloodline: Muggleborn
Parents/Guardians (Are they currently played characters?): Dan Emera (NPC) Dorothy Emera (NPC)
Residence: London, England
Do you plan to have a connection to a particular existing place (for example: the daycare)?: no
Do you wish to be approved as a group with any other characters? If so who and for what IC reason?: no
Please list any other characters you already have at the site: Isabelle Lee, Rosey Clay
Biography: (100 words minimum.): Mary Emera was born as an only child she had a pretty normal life until she turned 6 she was gonna get into a great primary school but her grandfather Gregory Emera died and they had to pay for his funeral so they decided it would be best to home-school Mary.
Her best friends are Isabelle Lee and Rosey Clay they all do almost everything together despite Isabelle's shy nature and Rosey's wild side.
Mary being an only child was really lonely sometimes because she was a very social kid not afraid of strangers and bullies.
They always made her go to the store so she could get the necessary amount of exercise she didn't mind though she loved going out into town to get stuff.
Roleplay:
Reply as your character to the following:
Godric Park.
Overhead, the sky was a crisp blue, for once clear of the ever-pervasive spongy clouds and rain. The sun was a lemony-yellow presence, high in the Eastern sky, and in front of it zipped three broomsticks in a straight line, or something very like one. One... two..... three... the boys passed, their shouts of excitement echoing as they chased the snitch, a tiny shimmer reflecting the sunlight.
Far below was another, much smaller broomstick.
It trugged along the ground, hugging close to it like a sluggish choo choo train and occasionally shuttering in protest. This was because said stick was currently being occupied by a very small girl who was tugging upward on the front of it with all her might, trying to coax it into doing what it had been expressly designed NOT to do.
"John, I said wait up!" The tiny girl squealed, giving the broomstick another tug.
Begrudgingly, it drifted upward a foot, and then sank, depositing the troublesome girl safely on the ground. Janey Hurst was not pleased. In a huff, she hopped off the toy safety broom, grabbing it firmly and thrusting it handle first into the turf.
Her brother was such a beast. He NEVER let her play! She folded her arms, seething blue eyes fixing on another figure nearby. "You!" She barked, much more sharply than she meant to.
"...Do you want to play?"
Roleplay Response: Mary looked up at the girl from the bench she was sitting at and thought 'wow that was loud' Mary was thinking about dinner when she heard Janey.
She thought for a moment 'Should I play with her?' Mary then said "all right what do you want to play do you want to play tag?" She hoped Janey would say "yes". Tag was Mary's favorite game she was very good at it. Being an only child she still was able to play tag alot. While she awaited Janey's response she thought about tag and how if she played tag with Janey would she fly off on her broomstick nope that would be impossible she had been seeing things broomsticks don't fly.
OTHER
How did you find us? Google
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Accepted!
